i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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