The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
