My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
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