We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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