is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
