Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
