I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
