so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
