So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
