i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
