i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
40s are totally the cure
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
