she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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