Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
