Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
