I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
