Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
