My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
