dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
