my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
