so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
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How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
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Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.