david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
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Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
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Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...