Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
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I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion