I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia