my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Randomize
