remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
