dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
