I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
