Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
