when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Still dying that you shit outside
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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