I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
