One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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