All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
