Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
