When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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