Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
