When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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