I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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