Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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