Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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