Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
