Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
