shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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