there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
