you traded sex for a burrito?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
