I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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