$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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