I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
