I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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