you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
