i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
