GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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