just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
This toilet bowl is my home.
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