I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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