so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
