WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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