please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
