i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Im part way to drunk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
