I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
