I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
